January 14: Lock It Up, Let It Out, Praise the Donkey

Historically speaking, the Ass in Feast of the Ass is a donkey. A four-legged, long-eared, saint-adjacent working animal honored for carrying the Holy Family into Egypt. Entirely wholesome. Braying. Hooves. Straw. No ambiguity in medieval Latin.
And yet.
We do not live in medieval France.
In our modern, delightfully corrupted vernacular, “ass” has wandered far from the stable and straight into the bedroom, the shower, the kitchen counter, the hotel balcony, and anywhere else good decisions occasionally go to die. In our world, ass is admired, appreciated, worshipped, and yes, sometimes enthusiastically feasted upon.
Which makes January 14 an absolute masterpiece of accidental comedy.
On the same day that history invites us to honor restraint with International Chastity Day, the calendar also hands us Feast of the Ass Day. One urges control, patience, and locked hardware. The other, at least linguistically, conjures images of mouths, hands, tongues, and gratitude expressed face-first.
You couldn’t script this better if you tried.
Chastity asks us to pause desire, to savor anticipation, to sit with hunger instead of immediately feeding it. Feasting on ass, on the other hand, is all about enthusiasm, generosity, and a willingness to fully commit to the moment. One is about saying “not yet.” The other is about saying “absolutely, right now.”
And somehow, they coexist. On the same date. Like a cosmic wink.
There’s something oddly perfect about it. Both are intentional acts. Both require consent, trust, and communication. Both can be deeply intimate. And both, when practiced responsibly, leave everyone feeling a little more connected to their bodies and each other.
So yes, let’s acknowledge the donkey. He did his job. He deserves his feast day. But let’s also acknowledge that language evolves, bodies evolve, and in our world, “ass” carries a very different kind of spiritual significance. One that often involves knees on the floor and a sincere sense of purpose.
Celebrate January 14 however it speaks to you. Lock it up. Let it out. Admire from afar or dive in enthusiastically. Just be mindful, consensual, and self-aware.
And remember: whether you’re honoring chastity, appreciating a fine ass, or managing to do both in the same 24 hours, history has officially given you permission to laugh.
Celebrate responsibly. Feast wisely. And if a donkey brays somewhere in the distance, just know he started all of this.