“Retirement Plan” (2026 Oscar Nominee) | The New Yorker

If you don't want to watch the animation, here is the transcript:
When I retire, I will reply to every email I’ve ever flagged.
I will clean up my desktop.
I’ll read the 35 years of saved articles on my reading list.
I will finish all those books I started.
I will play the lifetime of computer games I missed out on.
I’ll birdwatch.
I’ll learn magpies are beautiful but terrifying.
I’ll learn the names of trees and know which spring flowers bloom first.
I will swim every morning.
I will learn to play a single piano piece exceptionally well.
I will write a devastating yet optimistic piece of poetry.

When I retire, I will get a dog.
I will get a cat.
I will start with a fish.
Maybe… maybe a terrapin.
I will learn how a terrapin is different from a turtle
and how that affects my choice.
I will hike.
I will see a point in hiking.
I will know when a walk becomes a hike.
I will get so good at meditation.
I will be so present.
So aggressively present.
Then I will patch that hole, replace that button.
I will learn how to juggle — not just a three-ball cascade. Rubinstein’s Revenge.
I’ll organize my digital photos, then my wardrobe, then my drawers, then my pantry,
inspired by that book about organizing that I finally read.
I will have to buy so many plastic boxes.

Retired me will have so much money as a result of the pension I haven’t yet started.
I will find out what a pension is.
I will order wine by year and specific area of Italy.
“Grazie,” but not in an annoying way.
I will learn to like whiskey.
I will get good at saying yes.
I will get better at saying no.
I will cry more
and less when I retire.
I will make the perfect meatball
and pair it with a 2019 red from Tuscany.
The rain that year. My God — you can taste it.
I’ll smoke weed all day long.
Or try some other drugs.
I’ll Google microdosing and start there.
I will stretch.
I will do yoga.
I’ll drink eight glasses of water every day.
I’ll sleep for eight hours every night.
I will see a play.
I will see if I like plays.
I’ll give back.
I’ll know who to give back to and why I want to give back to them more than the others.
I will eat more vegetables.
I will grow a vegetable.
I will find out what to do with a leek.
I will find out what a leek looks like.
I’ll fight a man.
I’ll kill a fish.
I’ll drive a bus.
I’ll drive one of those airport cars. Nobody’s going to stop me.
I’ll travel more.
I’ll travel more.
I’ll travel more.
I’ll get a telescope.
Get into camping.
No — camping is horrible.
I will finally find my sport.
I will paraglide.
I will not paraglide.
I’ll move to a town by the sea.
I’ve always loved towns by the sea.
I’ll remember to breathe.
I will learn to speak another language.
I will learn to tell people how I feel.
I will take better care of myself.
I will take better care of my body.
I will take better care of my teeth.
I will take better care of my mind.
Meet up with that person.
Have that conversation.
I’ll go to an art gallery.
I’ll want to be there once I get there.
I will completely nail my final words.

I will haunt the absolute hell out of my sixth-grade enemy.

I’ll finally know:
if the time you have is the time you have and then it ends,
or if there is more time.